Love-making is fun!
It is less fun with a baby crying and toddlers banging on the locked doors….
Let’s start with some of the amazing things to know about the Postpartum period. Firstly, men’s testosterone levels decrease from 26%-35% in the early postpartum weeks. This is helpful for everyone since this corresponds with the woman’s time of lochia, or postpartum bleeding. Secondly, most women report an increase in sexual pleasure after having a baby (yes, you read that correctly). Those are two kindnesses we are often given after having babies!
The Early Weeks. Every couple is different and in those first 8 weeks after baby, have a lot of grace with yourself and everyone around you. Sleep deprivation is no small matter and since all of your bodily fluids are pouring out of the upper half of your body (breasts and eyeballs), there tends to be a lot of vaginal dryness. Lube is your friend, don’t try anything without it. By 6-8 weeks, it can be a healthy thing for most couples to attempt intercourse but it is a mental/emotional/body gear-shift from having prioritized your baby since birth. It can be really frightening to reconnect with your partner after having a baby. Your body feels different (yet again!) and a new part of you has been born (the part that is tuned to every sound your baby makes from across the house). Some tips to help during this time:
Take a few minutes to breathe and get in the right headspace. This will include making sure baby is either sleeping or happy and healthy in another room. This may mean convincing yourself that the baby will be just fine for the next 30 minutes - really, really.
Nothing to fear! Think of this as an opportunity to communicate with your partner about what does/doesn’t feel good and any new sensations you might have.
Lube and slow-going.
Many women’s bodies have been awakened through childbirth to a myriad of new vaginal sensations that can increase the pleasure of intimacy after babies. Use this for your advantage!
After the first couple comfortable times having intercourse, quickies might be your friend. Baby asleep in your room? Have fun exploring other rooms of the house!
If you have trouble becoming aroused, try different times of the day. Some women are dog-tired in the morning and evening, so afternoon delight might be the name of the game.
The New Normal. Here’s the most helpful thing I have to say:
Scheduled sex is the BEST
That might seem like the most unromantic thing in the world, but let me tell you how very wonderful it is. When you choose motherhood, you choose a full life. Full of so many many things from diapers to noise to mess to sleeplessness. Our hearts and schedules and souls and brains are very FULL. It is hard to push the internal “pause” button whenever we or our partner wants to be intimate. It can be hard to initiate when we are tired. It can be hard to respond when our head has just hit the pillow. However, if you and your partner know that Wednesday nights and Saturday mornings are playtime (or however often is healthy for your relationship), then lots of things fall into place.
1) You make time for it because you know when it’s going to happen.
2) You both think about it and prepare (and, as they say, the woman’s largest sex organ is between her ears).
3) You make sure there is peace between you and your hubby before the scheduled time so that it can be a true and healthy connection.
4) You get the kids/baby where they need to be to make this happen.
5) No more conversations about who is/is not initiating and all of the insecurity that surrounds that issue. This one is big for many couples.
Not convinced? Try it for a month and see what you both think about the scheduling! If you have had an inconsistent sex life, you might consider just starting with one day a week. Once you hit that goal consistently, then think about adjusting to meet the needs of the relationship.
For those of you who are having difficulty or pain with intercourse after having a baby, please see someone who can help you. You will hopefully be in your marriage for a lot longer than you’ll have kids/babes in your home - so it needs to be the prioritized relationship. When there is peace between mom and dad, the kids are covered with a blanket of security - so it helps everyone. Intimacy is a big part of that and as a midwife and friend, I want this to be fun and meaningful not a painful chore. So, here’s to growing and learning!
