"Just Wait Until......."

I remember being pregnancy for the first time and announcing to everyone right away. A mom of 2 said to me, “Just Wait Until the morning sickness comes, then the constipation, then the waddling.”

I remember having my sweet firstborn looking at me, the center of her universe, and a stranger standing by saying, “Just Wait Until she’s teething and keeps you up all night!”

I remember having my children 19 months apart and a friend saying, “Just Wait Until they’re fighting over every toy in the room.”

I remember having three children under 4 and going through the grocery store. A woman shook her head and laughingly said, “Just Wait Until they’re teenagers! They’ll eat you out of house and home.”

I remember playing with my four children at the park and a mom saying, “Just Wait Until they all want cell phones and cars!”

I remember having five children and getting a bear hug from one of my sons while a passer-by at the Farmers Market said, “Just Wait Until he breaks your heart bringing home a girl!”

Friends, a life lived in the Present Joy of TODAY is not filled with “Just Wait Untils”

At every stage of my mothering journey, I have been confronted with this strange language around the passage of time with my children that is filled with negativity. It has always baffled me - why does everyone think things get worse? Why is that the assumption? You know how when you’re not pregnant no one dares reach out and rub your belly but as soon as you are noticeably growing another human, strangers feel free to caress the sacredness of your womb? There is great beauty in that - something intuitive to human nature to be noted, but not the subject of today. However, the comparison lies in the freedom people feel comment or (or diminish) the stage you are in by comparing it to their current failures or mistakes. By doing so, it offers them a momentary salve, “Ahhh, the good old days when my child was perfect…..before they teethed or ate a lot or talked back or stared at a phone or became the dreaded teenagers”.

This is a lie because it steals the joy intended for today.

I pray that I might always hold space for the stage each of us is in - the beauty, the struggle, the difficulty, the joy - today is the day that the Lord has made, let us REJOICE and be glad in it! Of course, this hope is grounded in positivity for tomorrow, or else why would I put the work in today?

This belief is rooted in the truth that we are given the children we need to make us better humans No mistakes, no just wait untils - the struggles we have with our children today are present so that we can look our demons in the eye and be faithful to fight them for ourselves and for our children. They are real (even if it is “just” teething) and they are hard - but the results are so so beautiful.

I love mothering today more than yesterday. This year more than years before. I choose to embrace the struggle so that I can achieve the beauty IN the struggle.

In life, we rarely discover the Divine when we are comfortable.

So, next time someone tries to dampen your joy by a “Just Wait Until”, look at them and say, “I can’t wait.” If you find yourself starting to use these words with another mom, catch yourself and say something positive. Choose JOY, friends, and you will not be disappointed.

Post below your positive “Just Wait Until”

Life, Death and something about Labor

December 22nd I was laboring a sweet young mother - slowly and steadily she was riding the waves of the contractions that would bring her baby to become an air-creature. As her labor intensified, my mom called because a mile away my grandma was having a severe stroke. (Grandma moved here shortly after we did so she could spend her remaining years surrounded by my family - what a blessing for ALL of us!). With tears in my eyes I looked at the beautiful strength in front of me - another wave of intensity washing over this young woman-about-to-become-mother.

I was pierced with the juxtaposition of the moment:

the joy of a new baby and the poignancy of a life passing on.

I am honored to attend the births of so many little ones - their mothers bearing witness to the truth that growth comes through struggle. Many women have said the closest they’ve ever come to death was in the intense struggle of labor. I teach in my childbirth classes that Early Labor is the mental part of labor, Active Labor is the physical part of labor leading to Transition being intensely spiritual and Pushing combines all three in determination. That looks like:

Early Labor (Mind) Questions: “do I have everything ready?”, “am I ready to be a mother?”, “am I going to be able to handle labor?”, “did I remember to get dog food for the week?”, “I don’t know what I’m doing”

Active Labor (Body): as contractions become more intense over time, there is much less concern with what is outside of you and much more focus on the strength within. I love the labor mantra, “this is not stronger than you because IT IS YOU”. Thoughts about dog food and the awkwardness of early labor sensations all disappear as you surrender to your BODY and the innate physicality that is being expressed.

Transition (Soul): nothing exists outside of what you are doing in this moment and often arrows of fear begin to assail your insides - not in questions like early labor - but in doubts about being a mother, your own mother’s failures, the chinks in your relationship, the inadequacy you feel to be responsible for another human…all in a stewpot over the most intense fire of contractions. This is the shortest hardest part of labor for most women. And the intensity is in the soul - it is in Transition that you’ll fight your demons and grasp for light. You’ll face your own mortality.

Pushing (Body+Mind+Soul): after you machete your way through Transition using every tool you’ve put in your labor toolbox, then the baby rotates and BAM - you’re a whole person again. The unstoppable physical urge to push awakens your body and mind again as the finish line is in sight and the darkness of transition fades as Dawn spreads over the soul - THIS BABY IS COMING OUT!

What does any of this have to do with my grandma passing away? As I entered the struggle of labor with this woman to bring new life earthside, my grandma slipped painlessly, blamelessly, and peacefully into the life beyond. The contrast was stark - the beauty shattering. It is also so very very good to remember that we are all born (amazing!) and we will all pass away. Our culture has tried to hide both from public view - birth and death are both mostly done in hospital rooms rather than living rooms. This has caused us to be uncomfortable with both life and death when we should embrace both, share both, fully enter into both - remember both in our daily lives!

Prayers for peace in your homes.

"Pay Attention to the Rest"

I wring out the washcloth from the ice-cold bowl of water and gently wipe the beads of sweat from her brow…cheeks…neck…and turn it over as I lay it across her heart chakra. My hand open on top of the cool cloth, reminding her to breathe into the heart space so that the energy which is breath can move through her, opening the cervix in front of her baby’s head. I feel the muscles tense, her brow furrow, as yet another wave begins to build. She surrenders to the power of her body, the unleashed strength that transforms women into mothers coursing through her. She moans the deep guttural sound of so many women before her (you know, the one I demonstrate in my birthing classes and no one ever believes they’ll make when they’re in labor). Trust me, this sound comes from the ages of successful mothers who have come before us and it will still ring out in the generations to follow.

“This isn’t stronger than you because it IS you” I whisper to her, reading one of her Affirmation flags that she naively prepared for this day. This surge begins to release, and as it does the quiet supporters around her swiftly come to action. Her husband gets the water, placing the bendy-straw near her lips for when she is ready for a sip. I dunk the washcloths in the ice water again, one across her shoulders and the other as before, wiping her. “That one did it’s work, now pay attention to the REST, that’s it….cleansing breath and blow it all away”.

That is how labor is done - one breath at a time, one wave of contractions at a time - because that is all we can handle -

one. at. a. time.

And then, rest.

A lot is happening in this world of ours. Some of those things have made midwives and home births very popular this year. While driving this week, after my 4th crazy birth in a row, I caught myself with hunched shoulders and a tight jaw and sore boobs from using a pump instead of my sweet baby to drain them and tired (so tired!). My life is bursting with the exuberance of 5 energetic children, a husband who holds down the fort like a hero and puts his connection needs on the back-burner to let me nap, a few non-midwife businesses and all the other details of life that press in…….and I heard my words,

“pay attention to the rest”.

Yes. I can breathe into the heart space and make room for the next contraction of life and I can use that breathe to pay attention to this moment. This one where I’m driving and feeling much older than I did at 35. I have twenty minutes to find solidarity with my mind and body - tune in to the strength that is around me propelling me through the labor of life and the power within me, calling me to quiet peace. I can capture those thoughts that are overwhelmed with knowing the moment I walk in my front door, humans of varying sizes are going to bombard me with love and affection - looking for eye contact and connection whilst my eyelids are heavy from no sleep. But now. Now is what I must pay attention to or else I simply won’t make it to see the joy on the other side.

Life is a lot like labor. There are cycles and waves. There are periods of sleeplessness, but sleep will come. There are times of darkness, but light comes in the morning. There are times of fire and smoke, but rains will bring refreshment. There are times when my house looks like a tornado married an earthquake, but mess cleans up. There are times when paying bills brings panic and others when there is ease. And, like labor, we must breathe into the pain, uncertainty and fear because we do not know how long we must labor for. So, we must take the contractions of life

one. at. a. time.

And then, rest.

Friends, there is so much right now. We may not have a lot of break between contractions and fullness of life. In labor it may only be 2 minutes between the surges - but those two minutes can sustain a woman through hours and hours of labor if she can pay attention to them. In this unsure time - let us all pay attention to the rest.