"Pay Attention to the Rest"

I wring out the washcloth from the ice-cold bowl of water and gently wipe the beads of sweat from her brow…cheeks…neck…and turn it over as I lay it across her heart chakra. My hand open on top of the cool cloth, reminding her to breathe into the heart space so that the energy which is breath can move through her, opening the cervix in front of her baby’s head. I feel the muscles tense, her brow furrow, as yet another wave begins to build. She surrenders to the power of her body, the unleashed strength that transforms women into mothers coursing through her. She moans the deep guttural sound of so many women before her (you know, the one I demonstrate in my birthing classes and no one ever believes they’ll make when they’re in labor). Trust me, this sound comes from the ages of successful mothers who have come before us and it will still ring out in the generations to follow.

“This isn’t stronger than you because it IS you” I whisper to her, reading one of her Affirmation flags that she naively prepared for this day. This surge begins to release, and as it does the quiet supporters around her swiftly come to action. Her husband gets the water, placing the bendy-straw near her lips for when she is ready for a sip. I dunk the washcloths in the ice water again, one across her shoulders and the other as before, wiping her. “That one did it’s work, now pay attention to the REST, that’s it….cleansing breath and blow it all away”.

That is how labor is done - one breath at a time, one wave of contractions at a time - because that is all we can handle -

one. at. a. time.

And then, rest.

A lot is happening in this world of ours. Some of those things have made midwives and home births very popular this year. While driving this week, after my 4th crazy birth in a row, I caught myself with hunched shoulders and a tight jaw and sore boobs from using a pump instead of my sweet baby to drain them and tired (so tired!). My life is bursting with the exuberance of 5 energetic children, a husband who holds down the fort like a hero and puts his connection needs on the back-burner to let me nap, a few non-midwife businesses and all the other details of life that press in…….and I heard my words,

“pay attention to the rest”.

Yes. I can breathe into the heart space and make room for the next contraction of life and I can use that breathe to pay attention to this moment. This one where I’m driving and feeling much older than I did at 35. I have twenty minutes to find solidarity with my mind and body - tune in to the strength that is around me propelling me through the labor of life and the power within me, calling me to quiet peace. I can capture those thoughts that are overwhelmed with knowing the moment I walk in my front door, humans of varying sizes are going to bombard me with love and affection - looking for eye contact and connection whilst my eyelids are heavy from no sleep. But now. Now is what I must pay attention to or else I simply won’t make it to see the joy on the other side.

Life is a lot like labor. There are cycles and waves. There are periods of sleeplessness, but sleep will come. There are times of darkness, but light comes in the morning. There are times of fire and smoke, but rains will bring refreshment. There are times when my house looks like a tornado married an earthquake, but mess cleans up. There are times when paying bills brings panic and others when there is ease. And, like labor, we must breathe into the pain, uncertainty and fear because we do not know how long we must labor for. So, we must take the contractions of life

one. at. a. time.

And then, rest.

Friends, there is so much right now. We may not have a lot of break between contractions and fullness of life. In labor it may only be 2 minutes between the surges - but those two minutes can sustain a woman through hours and hours of labor if she can pay attention to them. In this unsure time - let us all pay attention to the rest.

The Miracle of Birth: Monty Python Style

For some of you younger readers, Monty Python may not be a dominant sub-script in your life, but for those in my boat, the voice of John Cleese is a friend who shows up nearly daily.  As with most parody, Monty Python is able to speak truthfully about cultural problems and trends without being offensive (or perhaps overly offensive...).  The scene is a hospital delivery room:

Nurse: Mrs. Moore's contractions are more frequent, doctor!

OB: Good! Take her to the Fetus Frightening Room

OB: So, it's a bit bare in here today, isn't it? More apparatus, please, nurse: the E.E.G., the B.P. monitor, and the A.V.V.

Nurse: Yes, Certainly, Doctor.

Dr. Spenser: And, uh, get the machine that goes 'ping'.

... Doctors (speaking to pregnant patient): Hallo. Now, don't you worry.  We'll soon have you cured.  Leave it all to us. You'll never know what hit you.

Pregnant woman: What do I do?

Dr. Spenser: Nothing, dear. You're not qualified!

(After you read this article, go watch the whole scene.  It's great for a laugh)

In the 30 years between 1920 and 1950, one of the biggest shifts in motherhood occurred: the change from home birth to hospital birth.  Now, I am neither idealizing home birth nor defaming hospital birth in this article (you can have a terrible home birth or a beautiful hospital birth), but rather looking through a broad lens at how this shift radically changed our cultural perspective about where the battlefield of motherhood lies.  Let me explain.  

Prior to 1950, the majority of births for the history of mankind happened at home and were attended by midwives, aunts, grandmothers, and sisters.  Sit with that thought for a moment.  Human culture has predominantly believed that a woman's own home was the normative place for the life-changing transition from womanhood to motherhood.  And that motherhood was saturated in the voices of Mother-wisdom.

As this began to shift in America, a monumental assumption also shifted: the passage into motherhood became something that was managed from the outside rather than achieved from the inside.  Stirrups, episiotomies, sterility, lying in a "manageable position" for labor and delivery.... having a child was no longer about becoming a mother but rather avoiding an emergency.  

However, this isn't about whether you have a home or hospital birth, but rather the undercurrent philosophical change.  I believe the most important thing that changed was this: women began to doubt their ability to be mothers.  The mindset shift may be subtle, but it sure is powerful.  If we are told (indirectly through the evolution of Western Obstetrics) that we aren't "qualified" to do something as mammalian and innate as laboring our babies in the world, then how could we possibly be qualified to make a trillion other mothering choices??  Over the course of not so many years, the ancient voice of grandmother wisdom speaking motherhood into our souls was drowned out by the voice of Medicine.  And our confidence as mothers was shattered.

I see in my practice and have have felt it myself in those early years of motherhood: doubt driven by fear.  What do the experts say about the chemicals in diapers?  Which brand of wipes is the least damaging to my baby's skin?  Do I have to buy organic clothing?  What is the best baby wrap? Is co-sleeping better than crib-sleeping?  What should the first solids be and when should I start them?  How do I discipline my child or should I let him do whatever he wants?  Is it okay for me to sleep train my baby or must I live in sleeplessness until my child decides to wean?  Or maybe I decide to wean when I'm ready rather than letting my baby decide?  I DON'T KNOW HOW TO MOTHER MY CHILD!!!

yes, you do.

Don't feel guilty about these feelings because that won't get you anywhere.  

Accept that the confidence of knowing how to be a mother has been drained from our culture for a while now.  

Engage with the growing number of us who are trying to reclaim Mother-wisdom.  Start with binge-watching mammalian births on YouTube (no, seriously, do it) and embrace that you are oh so much more capable than that giraffe at knowing the hows and whats of bringing your babies through this lion-filled jungle of people trying to steal your maternal peace and confidence. 

Stop using Google instead of a grandma/mother/aunt/mentor.  If you don't have a wise woman in your life - find one. 

Be Cautious of making identifying statements that lock you into a "type" of mothering ("I do attachment parenting", "I only eat organic", "I'm a cloth-diapering mom", etc...) - replace those statements with just being the kind of mother that is best for each of your children (this will grow and change just as fast as they do if you allow for the fluidity of life).

Find a medical provider who helps you feel confident as a mother, or respectfully tell the one you already see that you would like them to help you feel more confident as a mother.  (Most doctors really respond well to this sort of respectful direction!)

Tune out whatever seems like noise.  If that is social media, stop using it.  If it's a fearful person in your life, spend less time with them.  If it is coming from within, start meditating and breathing for 5 minutes a day to find stillness.

Tune in to the present and to the needs of your family right now.  These needs will change tomorrow, so just focus on today.  Plan for today only.  Remember, babies will go with the flow as much as we will allow.

Connect with your spouse, partner, friends who will give and receive love without making you feel guilty.  Join or build a tribe that empowers women to be the mothers they are.

Your Intuition is.....Yours

A beautiful bulging belly, the image of fruitfulness and love, sat before me.  Her eyes were brimming with the life growing inside of her, a life which would soon burst through her heart and shatter it into thousands of droplets filled with colors and light and make a rainbow of her soul.  There were other feelings there, in the pools of her eyes: fear, insecurity, doubt.  A wise man once told me, “God gives children to the most inexperienced people" - truth.  Here was a woman turning mother, wondering how the never-ending nine months could have flown by so quickly.  Ready or not (as all parents learn, firmly “not”), this baby is coming and coming soon.

She was my client and her question seemed simple, though her voice was anxious and taut,  “what do you keep in your home medicine cabinet?  I want to make sure I’m prepared.”  Being a leaning-towards-hippy-and-all-things-natural midwife who was also raised in the rurals of Northern California by a saintly woman with solid nutritional, herbal, and medicinal values, I should have had a ready-answer.  But, being a real life mother, there was this rush of panic, self-consciousness, and insecurity.  Who was I to tell answer this question for her?

This is not about what’s in my medicine cabinet.  It’s about stepping into the wardrobe behind the medicine cabinet and choosing who to trust in a wide and unfamiliar world where you are the monarch responsible for taking care of little lives.  You discover during pregnancy that everyone feels the freedom to tell you what you just have to know and just have to do and just have to…  And then you wade (or drown) into parenthood and there are even more voices telling you what you should do or think.  How and who do you believe? How do you choose who to trust?  What do they know, anyhow?  Pretty soon you’re requiring everyone’s credentials, background, and philosophical position on modern medicine before you lend them an ear. And THEN you realize that you’re not one bit closer to making a decision and really everyone is out to confuse you and how, oh how, can there be so many opinions about every tiny piece of parenting? (If you don’t believe me, just speak the word “immunizations” publicly and experience the torrent of opinions that follow).

In my professional opinion, there are things that a pregnant/laboring/breastfeeding woman should do (eat well, drink plenty of water, stay active…) and shouldn’t do (smoke, drink diet soda, run a marathon after 36 weeks…).  Everyone agrees, these things are sound and smart and will always be true.  Science is not what we as moderns tend to think it is – it is not static or infallible or universal.  Wisdom, however, is.  We need both, but not equally.  Wisdom is a gift; science is learned.  Wisdom is unpalpable; science is experimental.  Wisdom is unprovable; science is theory proved to law.  Wisdom emanates from the Creator who alters scientific “law” upon His whim (or request, sun standing still and all).  Wisdom transcends us yet is deeply personal, piercing to our conscience and ordering our ways.

When someone says something like, “you should try using essential oils when your child has a fever and you’ll never use Tylenol again” or “you really shouldn’t give any vaccinations before your child is one year old, my 5-month old had a terrible reaction when we vaccinated,” this is confusing wisdom for science and making intuition a universal law.  I am, you are, responsible for the little lives given to our stewardship.  For an indefinite amount of time, they are ours.  Mine are not yours and yours are not mine and the woman in Target or at church or at playgroup does not know what is best for your family.  We need community, we crave input, and it’s good to seek advice from a couple trusted people, but both the decisions and consequences of our family’s health are responsibilities given to us as their parents.

I am not saying to trust your intuition and throw all else to the wind.  I am encouraging you to do your research, talk to others, ask questions of professionals, soak these things in and seek wisdom.  Attach yourself to your mom/aunt/grandma or to an experienced mom you respect - ASK THEM INSTEAD OF GOOGLE.  Do not be driven by guilt or insecurity, there is no shame in having (or not having) Benadryl, Tylenol, Ibuprofen, homeopathy or any other medicine/non-medicine in your cabinet.  Vaccinate or don’t vaccinate based on research or trusting your care provider.  Don’t make these decisions from fear, for in parenting the fear threatens to run deep and cloudy through all things, marring joy and stealing peace. You have the intuition for your family. Incline your ear and learn to trust.